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EQ accounts more for your child’s success and
happiness in life than IQ. What are you doing to
develop your child’s emotional intelligence?
The best way to increase your child’s EQ, is to
increase your own, because – formally or
informally, consciously or unconsciously – when
you’re with your children you’re teaching.
Why? Because you’re the most important person in their
life, and they’re always watching and listening.
You can’t be with your child and not be teaching
something, and a large part of it is about emotions.
TEACH YOUR CHILD PRESENT-TALK
One specific way you can work with your child is
to use “ing” words – the gerund, it’s called –
doing, eating, getting in bed, sleeping, turning
out the light, crying. These are verbs that
describe what is going on as it goes on.
The irony is that, although one of the many
reasons why we love children is that they live in
the present, we don’t live in the present, and we
don't talk to them in the present. We don’t help
them learn to label what is going on with them in
the moment.
Language is a powerful tool for understanding
oneself, manipulating the environment, and
expressing our emotions. When a toddler first
learns to say “I don’t want” and “no” he learns
that he can use words to make things happen, and
this is a moment of claiming great power.
Remember to use this with feelings as well. When
we say, “I was angry,” it’s a reflective,
after-the-fact, analytical statement. When we
say, “I AM angry,” it gives us an understanding of
those flooding and powerful feelings, and
therefore a sense of control. What we can name
loses its mystery.
Be observant next time you’re teaching your child
to talk (which means any time you’re talking with
him or her), or when someone else is teaching
their child to talk. Notice how typically we say,
“Yes, you have a ball,” or “Jaime threw the ball,”
or “Throw Mommy the ball,” or “Jaime has the
ball.”
Now consider what happens when we stick “ing” on
the back of a verb – an action word. When your
child is in the act of doing or feeling something,
say, “Katya is walking now,” and “Katya is
crying,” and “You are feeling sad.” (And your
child will repeat it!)
This really labels for the child what’s going on
with them in the moment. It labels their actions
and feelings and you can see how this gives you a
real sense of identity – which will mature into
Personal Power, an EQ competency.
When Katya repeats, “Katya is crying,” or “I am
walking,” this is a much more powerful
in-the-moment “I” message than “I walked” or
“Katya threw the ball,” or “Mommy will throw the
ball.” Those messages point to the past, and to
the future, neither of which exist, and to other
people.
AN AGENT IN YOUR OWN LIFE
One way to have good emotional intelligence is to
understand yourself as an AGENT in what goes on in
your life – that what you do causes something to
happen. This is the opposite of feeling like a
victim – feeling hopeless and helpless.
If your child can say “I am walking,” they can
understand they can stop walking. Not so if they
say, “I walked.” That’s over.
Of course in due time you’ll teach, and your child
will learn, the complex concept of time – before,
after and now.
In the meantime, teach language using “ing” words,
gerunds, so your child will have words to describe
what she or he is doing at the moment, in the now,
and all by him or herself. What a powerful sense
of agency this brings!
For more tips, see my ebook, “Teaching Your Child
Emotional Intelligence.”
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