Leather Spinsters Newsletter June 2004 Edition

Leather Spinsters Newsletter June 2004 Edition

Inside this Newsletter

1. Articles

    A. Observing Yourself
    B. 8 Ways To Become Less-Needy
3. For Your Information

Shirts that say you are happy being YOU!

"The number one is the loneliest number if
we believe it to be." Regena English


Observing Yourself

It is impossible to go through life without feelings and thoughts. These feelings and thoughts affect your body and your mind and can bring you in various mental states, from elation to devastation.

However, as you mature, you also learn that nothing lasts: not elation, not devastation, and not anything in between. Feelings and thoughts come and go like the tides of a river. If your responses to emotions are like those of the majority of other human beings, you probably enjoy the feelings of elation and dread those of devastation. You may then have also learned that elation, devastation, and all in-between states can elicit behaviors in you that you would have avoided, were you in a more moderate state of mind.

Fortunately, there is a way to establish better balance in your life, in which neither elation nor devastation, nor any state in between, will derail your acts or your perspectives about what makes sense, and what not. That is the way of observation.

By observing your states mindfully, you learn to see them in their right perspectives. You also learn to see their origins, so you get to understand them better and consequently release them from additional baggage that merely engorges their volume and, thus, blows them out of proportion. It is, after all, this blowing out of proportion, that creates extremes such as elation and devastation.

This is not to say that mindful analysis of your feelings and thoughts will entirely eliminate extreme emotional experiences, as you are still part of this world, and there will still be events that will bring out intense emotions within you at times, due to your connectedness with other living beings. However, it does entail that there will be fewer outliers and more balance in your states from then on.

So how do you observe yourself?

1) Examine your emotions and thoughts from an outsider’s perspective whenever you think about them (For instance: “Boy, am I upset today!”).
2) Realize what exactly it is that you are feeling or thinking now (“I experience a feeling of disappointment”).
3) Analyze how this feeling or thought came about (“I experience a feeling of disappointment because my colleague at work whom I considered a friend told others something I had shared confidentially with him or her”).

Once you have detected the nature of your feeling or thought (2) and its reason for existence (3), you can start working at it: in the above example you can either decide not to trust this colleague anymore, or you can express your disappointment about his or her actions.

In either of the steps you decide to take in order to balance this emotion, you have to make sure it frees you from the excessive sentiment, and transforms this feeling into one that you can easier accept. Yet, it may also be wise not to forget the lesson you learned from this feeling or emotion, which, in this case may be to remain friendly and kind, but to refrain from, or be more careful about, sharing confidential information with others in the future.

One thing you should definitely refrain from is becoming and remaining upset at yourself. You are the one closest to your feelings and thoughts, so you better keep them bearable toward yourself.

Concluding: By engaging in observation about your mental and emotional states, you will get better insight into your character: your strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, interests, and non-interests. It is this evaluation of your feelings and thoughts and their origins that will ultimately eliminate most extremes and make you a better-balanced person, more capable of coping with the surprises of life, overall.

Dr. Joan Marques,
Burbank, CA, 06/15/04

About the Author:
Joan Marques emigrated from Suriname, South America, to California, U.S., in 1998. She holds a doctorate in Organizational Leadership, a Master's in Business Administration, and is currently a university instructor in Business and Management in Burbank, California. You may visit her web sites at http://www.joanmarques.com and

It is better to live in serene poverty than in hectic affluence. Everything has a price. The price for nurturing your soul is turning away from excessive stress, destruction of self-respect, and the constant strive in lifestyle with the Joneses. But it’s worth it.



8 Ways To Become Less-Needy

Leigh Sanders said, “Listen for your song, and join in the dance. Live in the center of your truth and find the bliss of always being enough.” Remember that you are a one of kind work of art, with a special song to sing and jig to dance. Find your center, know that you are enough, and you will find the love you are so desperately seeking. All kinds of love (friend, familial, and romantic) starts and ends with self-love. When you love yourself, you can enter and exit from relationships with ease and grace. With a healthy dose of love for “self,” you will find that when you are in love with someone else, you are more fully present. And when you are out of love with someone, you remain grounded.

The famous pyschotherapist Erich Fromm says, “If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself, if he can only love others, he cannot love at all.” Having love for yourself empowers you to love more freely and with more intensity. You can only give to others what you have yourself. So, if you want people to love you and treat you with respect, give it to yourself first.

As human beings, we have many needs that are important to us, which is perfectly normal. Needs are natural and when they are met in a healthy and balanced way, we are most happy. The problem comes up when we look to others to get those needs met. We are often unconscious of our neediest needs! But other people can usually spot them a mile away, and instead of giving us what we want, they tend to do the opposite! Such is the nature of needs. They scare people away instead of drawing them to us.

Emotionally needy people are not much fun to be around---they will manipulate, dominate, and finesse others to try to get what they want. And when others turn away, they get angry, blaming or striking out at them. You have probably done this a time or two—who hasn’t! However, this frustrating cycle can go on for a lifetime until you make a conscious decision to change.

When you learn how to meet your own needs, you become free. You are more open and receptive, more loving and much more attractive to other people. The first step is to be able to identify what your needs are, and begin the process of meeting them once and for all. Once you have done your own inner work, you will notice that people respond to you much more to your liking.

Read the list and circle the 3 most important needs you have:
Do you want to feel?

In control

Think of your three top needs and how you typically get them met. How much time do you wait for others to give you what you need? How often does that approach work---very rarely, right? There is a better way: love yourself more. When you love yourself, your emotional energy vibrates “cleaner” and at a higher frequency. What follows are 8 ways to love yourself more:

1). Accept Your Whole Self Accept your greatness and your limitations. You are a vital and vibrant human being, start feeling good about yourself just the way you are right now!

2). Believe in Yourself Be confident in yourself and your talents/abilities. Have faith that the universe will provide and that your needs will ultimately be met for the highest good.

3). Consider Yourself Reflect about your likes, dislikes, what you want and don’t want. You deserve to have the best relationships, career, and lifestyle.

4). Discover Yourself Learn about your personality, values, beliefs through assessment tools and inspirational books. Excavate your soul and create your life around what is most precious to you.

5). Encourage Yourself You are worthy of special treatment! Say and do nice things for yourself every day. Keep a running accomplishment list and add to it regularly.

6). Expand Yourself Explore the world around you. Get interested in what life has to offer. Read books, meet people, take classes, and travel to new countries. Get in the habit of doing things differently.

7). Forgive Yourself Let go of any residual guilt or fear from your past. Forgive yourself for making mistakes and not getting everything “exactly right.” When you forgive, you free up emotional energy that can better used to love and be loved.

8). Value Yourself Just by being born, you are worthy of esteem and value. Let yourself off the hook and move from having to do anything to deserve to be valued. Treat yourself like you would a best friend.

You deserve to get all of your needs met, and you are the person most capable of doing it. Know that YOU are the MOST important person in your life. You will always be in relationship with yourself, so make it the best relationship it can be. When you love yourself, you take care of your own needs, and as a result, you have a cup that begins to overflow, with even more to share with other people.

Michelle L. Casto is a Whole Life Coach, Speaker, and Author of the Get Smart! LearningBook Series. Her coaching practice is Brightlight Coaching, she helps people come up with bright ideas for their life and empowers them to freely shine their bright light to the world. Visit virtually: www.brightlightcoach.com Sign up for her free newsletter or http://www.getsmartseries.com Call for a Complimentary Coaching session (361)232-3939.


No profits are gained nor claims are made by publishing this potentially helpful information.

I am very impressed with your organization, and I was hoping you might be able to help me with a project I am working on. My name is Jessica Donn, and I am a doctoral student in Psychology at Miami University in Ohio. I am doing my dissertation on the lives of never-married singles age 35-45, looking at what contributes to subjective well-being for singles.

I am conducting my study online, which means that people who participate would fill out a survey on the internet. The survey takes about an hour, and participants who complete the survey have the option to register for a $100 lottery. I was hoping there might be a way you could help me distribute a call for people to participate in my study, either by sending out an email (I have a standard email invitation to send) or by including my call for participants in your newsletter.

The study is at the web site: www.singlesstudy.com if you want to find more information or refer people to it.

Thank you for your attention, and please let me know if I can answer any questions, or if you can help in any way. Thanks so much.

Jessica Donn, MA
Miami University
Oxford, OH

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